HeyJaredPat Beall
- Indexed articles, last 90 days
- 10
- Latest publication
- Sep 25, 2026
- Outlet visibility, for Sun Sentinel
- Top 100K sites
- Earliest in this view
- Jul 17, 2026
Latest articles
The press calls are coming from inside the White House | Pat Beall (opens the original)
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I come not to praise the Whiners, but to bury them, in adjectives. The thumb-suckers and the pity-pot peeps; the blubber babies, the whingemeisters, the quivering upper-lippers, the teeth gnashers, the eternally aggrieved, the wounded beyond all words for all time until the heat death of all quantum-physics-possible universes. The leader of the free world is so scared of his own shadow he had to bar reporters from Politico, MS NOW and CNN just in case they said mean things or hard things or mayb
Animals are our friends, but not like that | Pat Beall (opens the original)
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A donkey, a hen and an FBI agent walk into a bar. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Also, stop me if you are 18 years or younger. No one should be reading the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Barnyard Recruitment Manual without appropriate ID. Not even the donkey. We speak now of the love which dare not say its name, other than the occasional surprised “baa.” I am guessing that it was J. Edgar Hoover who made sure FBI applicants were automatically barred if they had sex with animals. I am guess
All this bad math adds up to stupidity | Pat Beall (opens the original)
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American lawmakers never sat at a scarred school desk under the steely gaze of Mrs. Doiron, a harsh mistress of math and the terror of fifth-graders in Alexandria, Louisiana. Adding and subtracting was your only way out. Not our Big Spenders, though. They have shunned integers for Secret Math, Magic Math, Barely Legal Math even I-Can’t-Believe-They-Did-That-Math. And it goes way beyond President Trump’s $5,000 election year payola. Just look at the Big Floppy Clown Shoes Math at RFK Jr.’s Depart
A lake just across DJT Blvd. from DJT Airport needs a new name | Pat Beall (opens the original)
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I could be horrified by a president who has nothing better to do in his spare time than pick up a Sharpie and push mapmakers everywhere onto high window ledges. It’s high time that Gem Lake, the exceeding small pond between Cloud Lake, Florida, (Pop. 140) and Glen Ridge, Florida, (Pop. Somewhat Larger) gets a new moniker that reflects tiny town tensions. We Cloud Lakians should just do it. Sure, we’ve got a much bigger pond of our own, and we regularly send alligators from our lillypads across t
Monsters who abuse children hide in plain sight | Pat Beall (opens the original)
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In an almost completely redacted page in Michael Jackson’s FBI investigative file, there is this handwritten question: Whole truth? writes the investigator. That was never going to happen. Innocent or guilty, the truth about Jackson was always going to be obscured by the myth of the pedophile monster. I am one of the roughly one in four American girls sexually assaulted before the age of 17. And this is what my abusers showed me: Pedophiles are not monsters. Pedophiles are predatory men, women a
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