HeyJaredIan MacIntyre
- Indexed articles, last 90 days
- 23
- Latest publication
- Sep 29, 2026
- Outlet visibility, for The Beaverton
- Top 5M sites
- Earliest in this view
- Jul 4, 2026
Latest articles
Child's imaginary restaurant acquired, shuttered by private equity (opens the original)
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BRANDON, MB – 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer’s imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being acquired by Hedgestone Holdings Ltd. “Mikaela’s Restaurant”, known for its cheerful service and convenient location inside her parents’ living room, was purchased via a leveraged buyout by the Manhattan-based PE firm, before reportedly being loaded down with debt and stripped for parts. All assets belonging to the re
Tech oligarchs agree calling AI "too dangerous" way cooler than just admitting it doesn't work (opens the original)
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SILICON VALLEY – The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence “could potentially kill all humans” sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified chatbots. “We, the undersigned oligarchs in charge of these impossibly vast empires, do solemnly attest that AI is probably too powerful and incredible, which we absolutely cannot and will not prove,” reads the letter, distributed to several newspap
Trump notes that falling asleep onstage at 9/11 ceremony technically counts as moment of silence (opens the original)
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ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA – Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning nap constituted a moment of silent reflection. “Sure, I may have fallen asleep onstage while some idiot was droning on about ‘never forgetting’,” said the President, referring to a speech being given on the twenty-fifth anniversary of the most devastating terror attack in American history. “But that means I don’
Hegseth pauses busy schedule of inspecting soldiers’ scrotums to make weird comments about Canadian teens’ bodies (opens the original)
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WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their virility. Hegseth posted the remarks weeks after directing the U.S. military to begin screening soldiers’ testicles for testosterone deficiency. “Secretary, Hegseth keeps up a rigorous 18 hour a day schedule of traveling the country and droppi
Overconfident Carney vows to win 3 more U.S. midterm races after Liberal by-election sweep (opens the original)
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OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novembers U.S. midterm elections. “Beaches-East York! North Vancouver-Capilano! And even… Chicoutimi-Le Fjord! They said my Liberals couldn’t pull it off, and to that I said ‘Just watch me’!” boasted an uncharacteristically wild-eyed Carney, grabbing the microphone onstage at a Liberal victory party. “Next, we’re set
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