HeyJaredClare Blackwood
- Indexed articles, last 90 days
- 4
- Latest publication
- Aug 27, 2026
- Outlet visibility, for The Beaverton
- Top 5M sites
- Earliest in this view
- Aug 5, 2026
Latest articles
Carney to rename rest of Great Lakes as "Lake Legal Adult" so Trump will never want to touch them (opens the original)
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OTTAWA – After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” in order for the president to immediately lose interest in touching them. “Our friendship with the United States has been in almost as much peril as an underage girl around their president, but going after Lake Ontario was just too much,” said Carney, displaying a map he’d created showing th
BREAKING: Doug Ford challenges Donald Trump to a corruption fight in the school parking lot (opens the original)
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QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s premier has officially challenged the President of the United States to a corruption fight in a parking lot behind a local Etobicoke high school. After two days of Donald Trump calling Doug Ford the “less charismatic, intelligent, and overall unimpressive” brother of Rob Ford, and Ford calling Donald a “loser” and the “King of Bankruptcies,” the two loudmouth trust fund failsons have elected to settle their differences in the parking lot behind the portables where the co
Beaverton Breakdown: Every Canadian premier's demands in return for agreeing to restock American alcohol (opens the original)
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Reports indicate Prime Minister Carney has asked Canadian premiers to remove their individual U.S. alcohol bans, as federal officials attempt to finalize a trade deal with the Trump administration. In exchange for lifting their bans, here are the specific demands made by each of Canada’s thirteen premiers. SUSAN HOLT – NEW BRUNSWICK “15 minutes in a locked room with (U.S. ambassador to Canada Pete) Hoekstra, me, and a 2×4 made of New Brunswick lumber.” DOUG FORD – ONTARIO “I was gonna ask Carney
Carney vows to fast-track West Coast Pipeline before entire West Coast burns to the ground (opens the original)
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OTTAWA – Mark Carney has officially given notice that his government will be designating Danielle Smith’s West Coast pipeline a project of national interest, allowing the massive oil and gas project to be constructed as quickly as possible before Canada’s entire West Coast goes up in flames. “I am proud to announce that this pipeline will be going ahead as soon as we can high jump over annoying environmental regulations and indigenous consultations,” Carney stated in a press conference yesterday
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