HeyJaredTEXT-PARASITE
n.s. A scribbling pestilence that fastens unto the rotting carcass of the internet, drawing forth intellectual bile to excrete as intelligent low-brow prose and verse.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 4
- Latest publication
- Aug 11, 2026
- Audience
- Checking…
- Earliest in this view
- Jul 7, 2026
Latest issues
Getting Even with Sam Kriss (opens the original)
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Right nearby my house tonight, a summer fireworks festival is happening. I went out to try and watch them, but by the time I found a good vantage point, the smoke and the distant gunfire bangs that carry through the humid Tokyo summer night air were gone; replaced by DRONES. Fucking Drones! Noiseless at this distance, infinitely taller and more visible, spelling out messages in Kanji and lining up to make animations of a bottle of beer opening up in the sky... like an advert painted on the velve
Oral Hygiene (opens the original)
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<img alt="" class="sizing-normal" height="819" src="https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!wc4D!,w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F1eff7c97-921e-4cf6-936f-30d8c71f66a0_2208x1242.w
Tokyo Tube (opens the original)
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At 6:02 AM, the worker tube stirred in his fibrous cocoon. A pulse of mechanical sound had activated his neural attention centres, rousing him from a regenerative state. Without pause, he stepped into motion, his internal mechanisms powered by the stored chemical energy of prior consumption as it worked through his system. Adjacent, the smaller units of his colony—a mate and two juveniles—moved more sluggishly, their movements unrefined and erratic.The worker consumed a mass of simple starches a
Bonnie Blue—The troll who built a bridge of piss and jiz (opens the original)
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You’ve heard the expression “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire in the street.” My friend Jamie W invented it. This is the same Jamie W who once persuaded a bunch of us to piss on a Bible behind the phone booth in the tiny village in the Yorkshire Dales where I grew up. We didn’t post a video of that on social media because none of us had mobile phones. We didn’t tell anyone about it because we thought we might get into catastrophic trouble—though the village only had about 200 people,
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