HeyJaredQuintessential
Cultural anthropology through an absurdist lens. Satire about the 1% for the 10%.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 4
- Latest publication
- Sep 16, 2026
- Audience
- Checking…
- Earliest in this view
- Jul 5, 2026
Latest issues
A Night at the Balloon Museum (opens the original)
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Note: hyperlinks take you to other Quintessentials relevant to the textThe ratio of people waiting on the line and photographers blinding us with flashes is probably five to one. It must be a slow night for New York City happenings. I always give photographers the cold shoulder at step and repeat type events, just as I preemptively reject someone so that I am not rejected. Being invited to a buzzy opening but not having a name that gets you past the velvet rope and into press coverage is the par
On Getting Fired at a Car Auction (opens the original)
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“At twenty-six million dollars, ladies and gentlemen,” announces the British auctioneer. He’s standing behind a podium on a dramatically lit stage in front of a McLaren F1 once owned by Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason. The car is finished in bright red with the letters GTR painted in fuck-off yellow diagonally across the hood and doors. “I can now confirm,” he continues, “that the car…is…on…sale. Thank you, sir, at twenty-six million dollars.”I had learned before the auction that declaring a car o
CRM millionaires brace for AI billionaires (opens the original)
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Hyperlinks take you to other Quintessentials relevant to the text.“My Salesforce stock is still worth eleven million,” says Travis. He shakes his head and raises his macadamia milk cappuccino. “I thought I was set when it hit twenty.” He takes a sip and glances at the gleaming, vintage red Porsche 911 roped-off next to us. We’re seated at a table in Motoring Coffee in Cow Hollow, which is filled with vintage European sports cars and the type of late 30something tech bros who collect them. “I bou
Independence Day Headlines circa 1776 (opens the original)
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On this day, 250 years ago, the following headlines flooded the Internet…CNNBREAKING: Colonies Declare Independence, What We Know So FarLive updates: Secession experts warn separation could take years, cost thousands of lives. King George response unknown due to 6-week transatlantic courier voyage. Fox News PATRIOTS MAN UP Founding Fathers Teabag Tyrant King Finally, a stand against big monarchy.<a class="image-link image2 is-viewable-img" href="https://substackcdn.com/image/fet
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