HeyJaredPROFESSIONAL BUM
Excerpts from my published travel memoir, as well as excerpts from my second collection of essays (stay tuned). You'll still laugh, you'll still cry, you'll still cringe. Not necessarily in that order.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 5
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- Sep 3, 2026
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- Jul 10, 2026
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Why I’m Allowed to Think Mel Robbins Is a Horrible Person (opens the original)
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You may have heard of Mel Robbins. She is a Renaissance-ish woman: author, podcast host, lawyer, short-lived TV show host. According to her, her big break came when she gave one of the first TEDx talks, which I refuse to name. She has written four books, all of which ostensibly teach the reader how to live a more fulfilling and peaceful existence.I became mildly interested in her because her fourth book was the #1 New York Times bestseller in 2025. Entirely frugal as always, I checked it out fro
Why My Grandma’s Grave Is Creepy (opens the original)
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My paternal grandma’s grave is the creepiest place I’ve ever been, and I’m not the only one who feels that way.I didn’t know her that well for two reasons:Thanks for reading PROFESSIONAL BUM! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.<di
Why I Stop Procrastinating When I Have Nothing Better to Do (opens the original)
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Because you asked (oh wait, you didn’t), my health is relatively good. I don’t need to take heavily advertised prescription drugs that will heal me if the side effects don’t kill me. I don’t need to take GLP-1s because a 98% vegetarian diet pretty much rules out obesity. I don’t need to take antidepressants that may, um, “increase suicidal thoughts.”However, when I infrequently get a bad case of the “wobbles,” I am forced to park myself on our bed or one of our armchairs, limp to the bathroom wh
Why He Obviously Didn't Get the Point (opens the original)
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Paul is the best carpet cleaner in town. If you saw how old our carpets are and knew the indignities they have experienced over the last 25 years, you’d realize my coronation of him is not faint praise. To add to the fun, many years ago he was a pitcher in the New York Mets’ farm system and had a plausible chance of making the actual team for a while there.Earlier this week, he came to work his usual magic on our too-old but not-as-dirty-as-when-we-had-kids-and-pets carpets. As usual, we gabbed
Why I Shut Up If I Think a Baby's Name is Dumb (opens the original)
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I am always bemused by people who poke fun at the, um, unusual names parents sometimes give their children. My Catholic priest has even given his congregation implicit permission to engage in gossip about unusual names celebrities give their kids: Apple. Guy. North. Bear Blaze. At least he admonished us to avoid gossip about the name choices of people we may actually run into at the grocery store or at Sunday Mass.I recently encountered a couple of unusual baby names. However, I am here to
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