HeyJared💩 Pandora's Box of Shit
Let's plunge the depths of this messy and explosive toilet called life! Dare to open the lid?
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 5
- Latest publication
- Sep 22, 2026
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- Earliest in this view
- Jul 5, 2026
Latest issues
I dropped a bomb in the school group chat and became a local hero (opens the original)
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As if modern parenting isn’t hard enough — Algorithms! Porn! Violence! Sugar! Environmental collapse! Jordan & Salish Matter migrating from YouTube, which you already banned, to Netflix, so now you have to block it there! The rise of fascism! — but there is something that might be doing more damage to parents’ mental health than all of these combined:SCHOOL GROUP CHATS.Whichever fuckwit thought that allowing parents to communicate with each other CONSTANTLY about the most inconsequential issues
Please stop dry humping at the gym (opens the original)
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I’m just going to come out and say it. If you are one of the couples at my gym who can’t stop canoodling, I want you to stop. Immediately.Am I a loveless old cynic with a cold, dead heart and a depressed vagina? Probably, but it doesn’t change the fact that I simply don’t want to see you sucking face on the leg press machine or groping each other’s arses while doing deep squats. Please, respectfully, cease and desist.I want to be clear that I have nothing against couples working out together. I’
My kid threw me under the bus (opens the original)
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I lost my child. It was a few years ago on a summer’s evening in December. Andrew and I took the kids to see the Christmas lights on a local street. Every house (except one, whose inhabitants I picture as Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Nicholas Guest in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation) on this little cul-de-sac goes all out with flashing reindeer, flying angels and inflatable Santas in boardshorts. It’s a popular spot that attracts thousands of people over the festive period.This was our first ti
A list of fatal fashion trends that nearly killed me (opens the original)
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As a geriatric millennial, it upsets me immensely that Gen Z, with their baggy jeans and sneakers-as-appropriate-footwear-for-every-occasion, will never know the pain of heels so high that they cause lifelong back problems, or a dress so tight it almost strangles you, anaconda-style.If I must suffer. Everyone must suffer.So you can imagine my surprise when I heard about the new “Zara death pants.” That’s right, my friends. We kno
In which I compare myself to a World Cup football coach (opens the original)
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I wish I could say I had the commitment to get up at 3 am yesterday to watch the Socceroos —the Australian men’s soccer team (yes, I’m sorry we call it soccer here because we also have Australian Rules Football) — play their first knockout game in the World Cup against Egypt.However, as a middle-aged mother of three, sleep is simply more important to me than, well, anything, even (and especially) televised sport.So I’m sorry, Socceroos. We were all behind you — me, sending positive vibes via my
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