HeyJaredNotes from the Dishwasher Café
A working poet & parent wrangles chaos. Humor as stethoscope, microscope, telescope.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 10
- Latest publication
- Sep 24, 2026
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- Earliest in this view
- Jul 16, 2026
Latest issues
THIS WILL BE THE BEST HOUSE OF MY LIFE (opens the original)
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We’re moving. In November. We’ve lived in this house for fifteen years. We weren’t looking to buy, we weren’t feeling our own roving eyeballs swimming in our skulls or anything. I was just herding my irascible joints on my regular plod around the block and did a spit-take when I saw that the impossible-to-resist 1825 farmhouse we’ve always drooled over had sprung a sign.I snapped a picture and sent it to my husband, less than a mile away, and (un)fortunately he said GO TALK TO THEM. There was no
UPON THE GURNEY YOU CAN’T AVOID (opens the original)
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Two nights before the surgery I showed my son the official children’s preparatory video for the Surgical Center. He was horrified, infuriated, and disgusted. In that order.The puffy hats were enough to do it. But there were also: bad pajamas, a breathing mask, lots of wires, and ridiculous protocols such as choosing stickers and chapstick and toys. These people thought for some reason that he was going to ride on a gurney. It was all inconceivable.I showed him the preparatory video in the hopes
THE TERRACE HARASS (opens the original)
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Before this illustrious publication there was the Terrace Harass, whose name rhymes if pronounced correctly. The Terrace Harass was a periodical disseminated to 2/3 of our apartment building unit on Terrace Place, a very short and narrow, essentially hidden one-way street downtown plagued by the Dominos delivery car, which always went up it the wrong way at ninety miles per hour. Anyway, the readership was our own apartment and the one above us, which contained my husband’s cousin. The rag’s pur
IT HURT HIM BUT HE DID NOT GROWL (opens the original)
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I’m as good at half-assing as anyone out there, and better. I can make a house LOOK clean in under five minutes and there will still be horrors you’ve never dreamt of multiplying just beyond your sightline (last week’s barbecue flavored protein (??) stuck to a Lego with tooth marks on it behind a dust bunny that’s grown a skeletal system, for example). Clearly, I’m some deranged brand of proud of this. But I think half-assing has become de rigeur, which means… it bores me. I’ve just learned, for
TIPS FOR WHEN NO ONE’S LISTENING (opens the original)
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Yell (this doesn’t work)Sing (this does)Mention Jessica. Can also be any name that isn’t part of your children’s/family’s/coworkers daily repertoire of people. Do it casually. (“Have you seen Jessica?”)Offer a thousand points (meaningless points work better than money, welcome to the human psyche)Burp loudly and say WOW THAT WAS AMAZINGPut some underwear on your head and walk around Drop into a squat and vigorously whisper Did I ever tell you about the time… <a class="footnote-anc
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