HeyJaredFrank Santo
Writer/ novelist. Author of The Birthparents and a very misguided erotic novel no one will ever read.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 10
- Latest publication
- Sep 21, 2026
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- Earliest in this view
- Jul 7, 2026
Latest issues
Frank’s Ranks - Types of Failure (opens the original)
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1. Presentation Failure – Ever fucked up a powerpoint presentation? Gotten nervous? Choked on your words? It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.2. Culinary Failure – It’s a uniquely bad feeling to have gotten excited about a recipe, gone out to by the ingredients, spent multiple hours cooking and preparing, only to take the first few bites of your beloved creation and realize that it sucks. Then you have to sit there with your family and watch them either complain or pretend to enjoy it to spare your
Frank’s Ranks - Temperatures (opens the original)
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1. 77 degrees – No matter what season you’re in, you’re pleasantly surprised when it’s 77 degrees. Perfect temperature for nearly every activity. Also it’s pleasing to say. Seventy-seven. Try it with a slight British accent. Very nice.2. 79 degrees – Just a little too hot for apple-picking.3. 71 degrees – A little too chilly for the beach.4. 65 degrees – Also a nice surprise in almost every season, but could complicate some summer activities by
Frank’s Ranks - Muppets (opens the original)
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1. Ms. Piggy – Our Porcine Qween. She loves so purely, so intensely, and all she ever gets is ambivalence from Kermit. She’s a star. She’s all class. She deserves so much better than what she gets. If only I were a pig, babe. I’d treat you right.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.<input class="email-input" name="email" tabindex="-1" type="emai
Frank’s Ranks - Household Tasks (opens the original)
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1. Cooking – A creative outlet. A fun and engaging activity, while still winning you points from your significant other for contributing. Something you get better at over time and can occasionally use to impress people. The joy of the activity is enough to make up for when my daughter inevitably says “THIS DOESN’T TASTE VERY GOOD” for literally anything I make her every night except lasagna.2. Going the grocery store – The Japanese have a term, shinrin-yoku, that translates to ‘forest bathing,’
Frank’s Ranks - Fruit (opens the original)
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1. Peach – The most mercurial fruit. Oftentimes, it sucks. Completely useless. But when it’s good, it’s such a treat. I see myself the same way. The peach is my spirit fruit.2. Grape – Can be wine, can be raisins, can be jelly, can just be a solid, workmanlike fruit. The only thing it can’t do, apparently, is be a pie. But I feel like it could be if it really wanted to.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for fr
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