HeyJaredAstroSnark Substack
Delivering your daily dose of cosmic comedy. Horoscopes, snark, and a satirical take on the news – because the universe is absurd, and so are we.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 15
- Latest publication
- Sep 30, 2026
- Audience
- Checking…
- Earliest in this view
- Aug 12, 2026
Latest issues
30 September 2026 Horoscopes: Trust Me, I’m Super (opens the original)
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The Sun is in Libra, so we’re being civil. Mars in Leo is approaching an opposition with Pluto, so we’re being civil in the tone people use when asking whether you know who they are. Someone has dressed for a confrontation they intend to describe afterwards as a conversation.At dinner, this person will notice your garlic press. Apparently there are standards. You thought you were making pasta; you’re now defending your upbringing to a man who brought one bottle of wine and has already drunk most
27 September Horoscopes: Please Don’t Tag Me (opens the original)
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Yesterday’s Full Moon at 3°37′ Aries opposed the Libra Sun, with Neptune close enough to the Moon to make a personal revelation difficult to distinguish from something you’ve decided after wine. Aries has something to get off its chest. Libra would like to know whether we’re still invited on Saturday. We enter Sunday ready to tell everyone exactly who we are, then spend lunch explaining that they’ve taken it the wrong way.The naked cyclists wanted safe
23 September Horoscopes: Everything Has to Pass an Interview (opens the original)
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The Sun has just entered Libra, Mercury is already fussing about presentation, Venus is in Scorpio checking everyone’s motives, and Mars is in late Cancer behaving as though somebody has moved its mug.A useful sky, then, for discovering that everything now has criteria.Apparently the toothbrush has been underperforming. The market now includes brushes approaching £600, while elsewhere the oral-care arms race has produced cameras, water jets, apps and prebiotic toothpaste. Your bathroom has enter
20 September Horoscopes: Everyone Wants In. Nobody Trusts the Door. (opens the original)
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This week’s governing principle is simple: nobody trusts the mechanism. Everyone still wants the advantage.At the top of the power stack, Trump (Gemini) plans to greet Xi <span style="color: rgb
16 September Horoscopes: The Label Is Doing All the Work (opens the original)
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The Virgo Sun is sextiling Mars in Cancer, so competence has put its shoes on. Unfortunate timing. Mercury in Libra is edging towards an opposition with retrograde Saturn in Aries, while Venus in Scorpio is almost exactly square retrograde Pluto in Aquarius. Polite wording up front. Locked door at the back. Midweek theme: everybody has a name for what is happening. Piddington, apparently, has PiExit. The thing itself remains unconvinced.We built autonomous AI agents, put them into experimental s
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