HeyJaredAlice's Open Treasure Chest
Hello. I'm Alice. I write lengthy, occasionally amusing, and often infuriatingly verbose sexual anecdotes from my life.
- Indexed issues, last 90 days
- 5
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- Sep 22, 2026
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- Jul 22, 2026
Latest issues
Sex with a Scottish Lesbian (opens the original)
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During this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival I attempted to cheer myself up from a severe bout of misery, self-doubt and self loathing - inflicted upon me via a poor review - with a solo night away from my friends to quietly drink away my sorrows. Due to some lesbian-attracting pheromones my body appears to secrete when I’m feeling low (the science behind this phenomena is still a work in progress), I’d found myself many G&T’s into the night in the company of Megan; a beautiful Scottish lesbian.
Disappointing a Scottish Lesbian (opens the original)
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On the rare occasion I’m asked to define my sexuality, I tend to give one of two answers. Technically there’s a third, but “What the fuck business is it of yours?” doesn’t really contribute to the point I’m looking to make here.The answers are invariably:(Mostly) Straight. Or. Straight (ish).We live in relatively enlightened times - or at least it can occasionally look like it if you squint a bit - so you don’t need me preaching that sexuality isn’t necessarily entirely binary. Yes, there are so
Analysing My Head Game (opens the original)
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“Alice? Yeah, I think I vaguely remember her. Wasn’t she the Substacker who shared needlessly long sexual anecdotes that all-too-often featured almost zero sexual content until the final few paragraphs, and repeated the same handful of jokes over and over again hoping people wouldn’t notice? I’ve not thought about her in *ages*. Whatever happened to her?”“I’m pretty sure she disappeared for over a month right after specifically telling everyone she was definitely going to keep posting, even thou
Fringe Benefits - My Edinburgh Exploits - Stand Up Cumedy (opens the original)
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Somehow, and please don’t ask me exactly how, it’s fucking August again already. There is simply no rational world in which it’s already been a full rotation of the sun since last August, but here we are. Either someone has miscounted or I’ve finally reached an age in which time now accelerates at an exponentially terrifying pace that defies means of measurement. But, if it’s the latter, we’ll save diving into that particular existential dread for another day.Because while, for most, August may
Frustration, Procrastination and Furious Masturbation (opens the original)
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“Alice, I mean this is the politest fashion possible; GET FUCKED.”An inordinate, ungodly, and unspeakably cruel series of deadlines landed in my lap recently, each somehow more urgent and all consuming than the last. As such, for the last few weeks I’ve found myself working near non-stop, often with twelve-to-fifteen hour days of pure ‘nose to grindstone’ to prevent myself from drowning beneath the rising tide of work that needed finishing yesterday.All in all, it’s not been the variety of ‘busy
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